life sucks...

i sadly cant go to sleep. typical though. every time i cant go to sleep is cuz my mid just wont stop wondering or slow down enough to relax and fall asleep. the worst part of it all is at about midnight i start to get the munchies, usually for goldfish. most of the time i have to settle for something else like a chewy bar or like tonight, Fritos. i do nothing to burn off all the crap food i eat, but i guess in a way it comforts me. so sad :(
i think the things that gets to me the most now is i still have to use a crutch. it is sooo annoying. after all of this is done i just want to burn it all, but the moment i get rid of any of it i will most likely get hurt (Murphy's law). when it strikes it usually strikes hard. so i don't plan on giving any of it back until i use up all of my eligibility. i know it sounds selfish, but it helps my mental state. its not a pretty picture right now. everyday is a struggle whether it appears that way or not on the outside.
i know i may sound super depressed, but its all tolerable. its just how i have learned to deal with life and all of its obstacles. there are plenty of them out there and i just gotta find a way to get through any and every situation.

idaho actually holds entertainment...surprising

yesterday i went to lava hot springs, ID (i thought the city was just called lava. why does it have to be so complicated?) everyone but me went floating down the whatever river flows through lava. i feel like i have to say that for physical therapy cuz they said i wasn't allowed to do anything like that yet. it sucks big time gettin hurt so close to the summer that it limits what i can and cant do.

as for the trip up there, i guess it would be, it was loads of fun even though i was really limited. my trip consisted of laying out at the actual hot springs, carefully climbing some rocks with alice near a pipe from the hot springs that dumps into the river (it was 107 degrees. super hot) and laid out near the stairs that everyone exited the river to go back to the top. at the very end, leeann stopped and i asked her if she would help me float in the river. i felt like a little kid again who didnt know how to swim or at least survive in water. she held my tube while i just sat in it in the calm part of the river. at first i didnt want to get wet, not even a little on my but from sittin in the tube. but thanks to good ol' dustin's surprise attack splash my plan of not gettin wet was shot to heck. the river water was super cold like an ice bath. that was the extent of my floating experience.

at 5 everyone had to turn in the tubes, so they did. someone in the group wanted to get ice cream and since it was the official band wagon day, we got ice cream. we hung out on the curb outside the shop and talked until everyone finished their ice cream. during that time there was an obviously drunk dude that walked by and then about 10/15 minutes latter he some how managed to drive his motorcycle and parked it right in front of us.

i guess (according to tj) the dude said that i needed to get some help. im assuming since i was on crutches walking around with my knee brace on. well duh Sherlock!!! to be honest the reason why it didnt bother me is cuz 1) i didnt hear it 2)he was drunk and 3)it was obvious. i would of just laughed it off and/or said somethin back. as for the ride back we listened to more of my ipod and played the 'i spy' game. we started with stupidly obvious things and eventually advanced to almost abstract stuff.

as we neared logan all of us started to get hungry. no one could agree on a place to eat. we eventually agreed to disagree on the bluebird. lydia came up with the idea and coincidentally she couldnt make it.



as for today, it was a day of rest. no...i did not go to church. i laid around with pay and tried as hard as we could not to move without the burns getttin irritated from the rubbing. but we had to get ready eventually (6pm) cuz we were having dinner at a friends house. we agreed to have dinner and later learned about the missionary visit. we stayed for the experience and also it was just too close to the end of the dinner. the guy was super cute and from sweeden. he was an atheist converted mormon (why couldnt he have picked a different religion? wait...then we wouldnt have met him. oh well) it was kind of funny in the sense that the 2 non-mormons in the group one answered the questions right and the other had the closing prayer. it was definitely an interesting experience and there is a lot of pressure on you to agree to meet them again even if you werent interested to begin with. especially if there are so many eyes just waiting for you to agree to meet the missionary again and in the faaaarrrrrrrrr future get baptised. well it is something i can at least say i did in my life and as of now don't plan on doing again.

catching up

i have had a busy past few days with traveling and just trying to regroup.

wednesday (6/10)- well this day was extremely busy. i was almost late to my 950am english 2010 class. it doesnt sound very early , but for me right now anything before 11 is early. so i went to english class like any good student and have no idea what she talked about during the class. then i rushed to physical therapy right after class and finished at about 1. that left me about a half hr to finish packing (i'm such a good procrastinator). pay and i left and stopped at the wendy's on main in logan cuz i didnt have time for lunch yet. i ordered a jr bacon cheese burger (no bacon, plain) and and chicken nuggets (with bbq sauce). when i got the order, the burger had bacon and i didnt get the bbq sauce. 5 minutes later we passed another wendy's conveniently going out of town. it was much funnier if you were there of course :) it gets even better...i get to the air port and ask for curbside assistance (i was sitting in the car so all they could see was from my shoulders up) they told me they couldnt help me. i tried to figure out how i was going to get to my flight and every way failed. About 10 mins later i asked again but for a wheelchair, not assistance. And I got one J so I get to my gate and am just chillin waitin for them to start the boarding process to leave for san diego at 435pm. I checked it occasionally just cuz that was how bored I was. The last time I checked it the board said the flight was canceled and there was no announcement of it. I called my mom immediately to make sure it wasn’t a joke. I don’t know why I thought that cuz the airport is the last place any worker would crack a joke with a passenger. So that plane cancelation started all the chaos trying to get home. Since my flight was cancelled I was put on stand by for a 730 flight and on a 9pm flight into san diego (tickets 2 and 3, and 4 cuz I had to change my seat), but I had a dinner to get to so I needed to get home as soon as possible. My parents were able to find a flight at 735 into long beach (ticket 5), so I switched. It ended up getting delayed til 947pm cuz there were thunder storms in pheniox and it couldn’t take off. I was not gonna wait that long if I didn’t have to. So I tried to get back on to the 9 o’ clock fight to san diego, but by then it was over booked by 7. Bummer! I then asked to fly into orange county and that lead to some phone calls because I was changing my destination again. I was able get a ticket (6 and 7 for the seat change). By the time I got on a plane to head home it was about 830pm for a 905 flight into orange county and 7 boarding passes later. I only was able to keep 6 of them though L

thursday (6/11)-after a very long day yesterday (staying up til 3 don’t know why), all I wanted to do was sleep in. I couldn’t though because I had a manicure and pedicure starting at 9am and then a haircut at 11 and then my family coming over for my brother’s high school graduation at 5 (I think). All I wanted to do was take a nap, but I didn’t want to miss talkin with the family cuz they came from all over cali. I don’t get to see them that much.

I was very jealous of my brother’s graduation cuz he had over 800 students and it only took an hour and a half and mine last year took over 2 hours for 90 people. Damn! At my graduation too many of the speakers liked to hear themselves speak. Then we all went to dinner to celebrate his graduation. He was only there for 20 mins cuz he had to head off to grad night.

friday (6/12)- this was my day. well most of it was anyways. all i had scheduled was a dentist appointment. boring!!! but after it i went straight ti point loma to go see the hangover...again:) with one of my best friends and i got to meet her girlfriend. i was super excited and she was really cool. we ended up walking around the mall for a few hours and then finally made it to the movies. what do expect with a group of girls at the mall?

saturday (6/13)- i think i was actually able to sleep in, but my body didnt allow me to. bummer!!! it was also my brother's grad party. it was held at the local pizza place, that pizza place (yes that is the actual name). it was loads of funand i got to talk to everyone and fill them in with how i am doin. i ended up talking more than i wanted to. i hope my lack of intrest in talking didnt show.

sunday (6/14)- ahhh the flight home. it actuallly went smothly :) all of the people i was forced to interact with were so nice especially compared to my way home. to be honest i did not do one second of physical therapy. not a good idea but oh well i had fun with everyone at home :)

monday (6/15)-me not doing physical therapy probly hurt me in muscle but not in my range of motion. i got 113 degrees!!! whoopy! that was the only highlight of the day since the only other thing i did was go to my english class :(

tuesday (6/16)- I WALKED...in water. it was so much fun even with the water to my chin not allowing my knee to feel any of the weight. i love the pool workouts because it makes me feel independent. and its water...how can i hate water?

friday (6/19)- my doctor's appointment!!! the one that will tell me when i get to walk :) well it started like all the other ones they made sure i could straiten my leg and then had me bend it as far as i could go. i was technically only suppose to be able to get 90 degrees. i was able to get 110, but i got the reaction of "that's all you got?". well yea its 20 degrees over what i should have. i was then told my directions for walking. for the next few days walk with both crutches at 50% weight baring and then got to one until 8 weeks is up. yea!!! but then he called the surgeon. all he said was to be on 2 cruches at 50%. when will i be able to walk? its was suppose to be only 8 weeks of crutches ugh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

thursday (6/25)- i got offical word that i can lose a crutch :) and that at home i can walk as long as tollerable :) yea!!! i hate my crutches. yea they are cool to play with but when it is your only option to get around places it absolutely SUCKS!!! im just super excited to have obvious improvement

friday (6/26)- i actually forgot it was a friday and that physical therapy closed at 12 and i showed up at 1145ish. oops

can i do that?

so today was an amazing day in physical therapy. i had a pool workout and they film me in there for research purposes (someone is writing their thesis on me or i should say my injury and recovery). but any ways after the pool workout i had to do wall slides and then stem and ice. when they measured the amount of degrees (100) my first reaction was: "am i allowed to go that far?" i've only been cleared for 90 degrees by the doctors. but the therapist said it was fine since i wasn't forcing my knee to go further than it wanted to comfortably. then we measured how much i can do without the help of a towel or gravity and i got 98! whoo hoo!!!! more than half way back to normal...in the department of range of motion. the muscles still have a long way to go. so any ways i was just super excited today because i got 10 more degrees than i did yesterday :)

one more day passin by

so...i finally finished my no sew blanket. one side is red with black paw prints and the other is a charlie brown pattern. it looks pretty cool. i tried to make it before i got injured, but that never happened so the material has been just sitting in my closet. it was super time consuming. i dont know how people can just sit and do one task at a time. wow add kicked in after about every 5 minutes. so it only took me 3 days to complete. the only thing i actually got done...and none of it matters other than its really warm. now i just need to figure out a way to get my english 2010 homework done....NAH!!!!!!!!!!

the weekend

so friday i got 90 degrees. it was super painful and someone had to lean on it, but i still got it. i did my physical therapy while also studyin for my last psyc 1010 test ever. YEA! the actual weekend i did nothing productive, like any other weekend. i saw both the hangover, super funny, and the the land of the lost, super stupid. i went to a non lds church for the first time this morning in over a year. i loved it. it reminded me of my home town church. it had up beat music, no hyms. i almost actually would have missed it except for my roommate woke me up. my alarm didnt get saved when i changed it the night before. instead of waking up at 930am i got up 5 minutes after we were suppose to leave, 1015. OOPS!!! but we still got to the church on time...somehow. after church i even made breakfast burritos for myself and a couple of friends. anything that needs me to carry something and also move with it is very complicated and difficult, but i find a way and i'm slowly getting better. tomorrow is the first day of my english 2010 class, 8 more weeks of hell MWF. i think it starts at 950. going to go look that up :)

survived

well my day definitely went better than yesterday. i made it to 85 degrees :). didnt think i would get there. it definitely making 90 seem possible. other than that my life is boring. i do the same thing everyday, go to physical therapy and then class and then chill at my apartment. :)...not the only happy thing happenin' tomorrow is my psyc 1010 class is done, but then on monday english 2010 starts. ugh!!!!!

ugh...

so today was my first break down. im just getting really frustrated not being allowed to walk and just how clueless some people are. if you dint know im hurt this doesnt really apply to you. it would just be nice for people who do know to ask me how im doing (all it takes is a simple text or phone call) or stop by if they are in the area every once in a while. its mostly my knee though. i have to get it to 90 degrees somehow and it will only go an excruciatingly painful 80. and when i ask how to get it further, they say i need to get the swelling out. and when i ask how to get the swelling out, they say walk. well i cant truely walk for another 4 weeks.
and no one try to put yourself into my place cuz you cant unless you yourself has done this too. dont get weird on me, just stay yourself.

yea-ish

so on sunday i dreamed that i was walking. i was wearing my pj's and my huge brace and i just got up and started walking like nothing was wrong. i instantly i woke up and had the hardest time figuring out if i actually walked or if it was only a dream. i figured i didnt since nothing hurt out of the norm. and then today i actually walked...in water up to my chin and with a water belt. i had super fun with my workout until i had to do wall slides. i have to get to 90 degrees and i could only get 78. and it was a very painful and wishful 78. i have no idea how its gonna get to 90. it seems so impossible right now.

weird

yellow. well lets see i just got my bill for my surgery and i find out that just for the stupid putty it cost over $16,000. it must have been for the flight of the putty and for its escort. thank goodness the school is taking care of it since i did it playing official pick up with the girls. and dont worry boys your tuition money is not paying for it. when i read the amount i thought i was adding more numbers in my mind than the ones that were actually on the paper. the bill is so extensive it took two pages.
i think the weirdest part of the experience of not being able to walk is the fact that i have recently started dreaming about it. when i woke up i had a hard time figuring out if i actually got up and walked or if i just dreamed it. i cant even describe how scary it would be if i did walk before i was allowed to. my putty might get messed up and i dont want to go through surgery again. its torture!