uhhhhh......

well where do i start. its been a few weeks since i've wrote. i really dont want to do anything. i really want to just lay around, sleep and nothing. usually that is very hard for me to do. i dont really know why i am doin this, but right now i am settling with my summer want long enough. there could always be a different reason. it wouldnt surprise me if that was the issue.

so school started the 24th...i think. i havent done much reading for any of my classes. i have no interest for any of it. i am just done, yet i still have 4 more yrs of school. thats if i want to use all of my eligibility up.

i go through days where i want to work hard and check things off my list and then there are other days where i want to just take a long deserved break. i know there are no days off in life, but sometimes i wish mine was just easier. i get sick and tired of being mentally tough and acting like everything is ok cuz i dont want anyone to know what is really goin on in my life. i cant remember a day where i could just relax and be myself. the real me, not the actor.

and no one try to guess what my secret is cuz even if you do i wont tell. then again you may know, cuz i told you.

well that was a serious tangent. but my life has definitely taken a turn, not totally for the worse cuz i can handle it...most of the time. sometimes it gets a little out of hand. i definitely had an interesting weekend last week. it started with last saturday, the day before the team camping trip i fell into an unexpected depression. i didnt want to be around anyone, do anything and i especially didnt want to think. i really wanted to roll up in a ball and cry. the problem was i wanted to ball my eyes out, but for the past few years i have not been able to get a few tears at a time. it takes a lot of work just to get them out :( cuz i couldnt deal with my problem myself so i called a friend of mine. somehow he was able to get me out of my funk enough to go to the team camping trip the next morning.

the trip was ok. we went out to beaver mountain in logan canyon. it was camping for divas. there were 2 bathrooms, a full kitchen, bbq, fire pit and a yurt. it kinda surprises me, a city girl, enjoys real camping with only tents and some food not the fake stuff that has everything ya need to live right near the tent thing. i was good but frustrated from the trip. i wanted to bond naturally with the team not have to do all these bonding exercises. the entire team was stuck in the middle of nowhere with no cell service to talk to others or a car to get away. what else would we do all break up and somehow not talk to certain people? i find that hard to do in such a small setting.

i also managed to get on coach's bad side on the trip. i messed up a camp fire game near the end of it (cuz it bored me and i lost focus). then in the morning at like 730am, people were being really loud outside. i thought food was ready. so i opened the door to the yurt and asked if the food was ready. coach told me no, so i closed the door and tried to sleep some more. it was impossible to sleep with all the noise from people talking. so i went outside and hang with all the awake people. and eventually managed to get the look. i dont suggest that.

i was fine until this afternoon. i once again do not want to be around anyone or do anything. my knee is buggin me cuz of the darn scar tissue behind my knee cap. i work my arse off and it is getting frustrating cuz i am getting no results. somehow my right leg ends up being more tired than my left (the one i hurt). i once again want to cry and cant. i want my life to easier. yet i know that is never going to happen. i guess an easy life wouldnt have been entertaining enough for me. life shouldnt be boring. i do have regrets, but they arent from not doing something.